Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
