Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
