What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
