totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
