god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
