His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So squirting runs in the family.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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