Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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