I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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