bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
