i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
