I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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