Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You took a bar mat shot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
