so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
