So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
