cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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