well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
