I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
