I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
