You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
