I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
