Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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