I don't usually arrange sex via text message
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
