my phone needs a breathalizer
Girls should come with a carfax report
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
