Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
