And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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