UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
