Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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