Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
