Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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