First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
