I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish i was in the wii world.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
