If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
