i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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