Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
