Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
