Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
