I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We need to get me chipped asap
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
