I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
