Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
