OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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