Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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