we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
