So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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