Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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