I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
