I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
