Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We left the knife in your bed.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
