My friends, they love my intelligence
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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