dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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