After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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