Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
