I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
