you didnt know i had herpes?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
