he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
